mentally ill

(c) lsesu.tumblr.com

It is difficult to think of yourself as mentally ill.

Over the past two weeks I have been having anxiety attacks. Something happens, a small but unknown trigger, and suddenly I find myself struggling to breathe, my brain frozen, overwhelmed by a sense that I am dying and in pain and powerless, that I am trapped and I don’t know what to do. I can’t string a thought or a sentence together, I can’t figure out what to do next. I lie there, choked and crying, pushing the world out, freaking out about anything and everything. I lie there and I wait for it to pass, for my brain to decide not to go insane.

It’s been many years since I’ve had an anxiety attack and it really scares me.

Sometimes it is difficult to face up to the truth and see yourself for what you are. People say: you should have hope, you are on the mend, things change, you had depression but you won’t always have it. But the truth is, I still have it, and I am still mentally ill.

When you struggle with mental illness and still want to function in society, you learn that you have to get help when you see the signs. So, with great logistical difficulty, I managed to see the GP, who doubled my medication and referred me to the local mental health team.

I am, once again, getting treatment for depression and anxiety.

(c) lsesu.tumblr.com

Sometimes I feel like my life is on a loop. That no matter how far I get, I will always end up at point A, battling the same things, acting out in the same ways. Sometimes I feel as though I will never kick these struggles. That I will always be mentally ill.

I know that my life is a journey. Every major episode I have had has come with different lessons, different experiences, different transitions and lightbulb moments. This one will be no exception. I know that I am a different person now than I was the last time the shit hit the fan.

And maybe this is what life is like when you struggle with mental illness. The way you experience the illness changes with you, and each time you come out of an episode you are changed.

I don’t know if I have hope that I will ever be free of depression. Maybe one day I will, and maybe I won’t.

Whatever happens, I just have to keep going.

‘go confidently in the direction of your dreams’

(c) flickr.com

For a long time, I looked out into the future and all I saw was grey. An endless nothingness, bleak and dark. I looked into my life and I thought, ‘This is it.’

I didn’t understand it, because on paper I had a great life. It was the middle class dream. I was 26 and married, financially stable, with a house and a dog. No 2.4 children but almost a white picket fence.  I thought it was the depression that made me feel hopeless about my life, longing for death every day. It’s not nice to admit it, but I did. I thought things would never change. That this was all life had to offer.

It wasn’t all bad. There were great things, moments of joy and love. But the truth is that I wanted to die. I didn’t think life was worth living. At any given moment, if you had asked me, I would have told you that I would have preferred death over life.

And that is sad.

I say all this because the truth is, I don’t feel this way anymore.

I want to live. I look out into the future and some days, I am full of anxiety and worry. I worry about finances. I worry about work. I worry about myself. Some days I wonder how I will bear it all, and part of me thinks that it would be easier if my life just stopped.

But for the most part, I want to live. For the most part, if you asked me at any given moment if I would choose life or death, I would choose life.

You see, I feel alive now. I look out into my future and I see possibilities and opportunities. I am 26 and I have at least 50 years ahead of me to try, fail, explore, love, and experience life in all its crazy chaos. I have at least 50 years ahead of me to be broken down and built up again.

This is no small thing for me.

(c) mkalty.com

I have spent most of my life longing for death, dreading the future, and hating myself. And now I feel like my life is starting again. As though everything I had before has been burned to the ground, and I can start from scratch.

This kind of freedom is terrifying and yet so liberating.

I can choose what I want to do now. I can be honest about who I am, without fear of how it affects others, without feeling the need to make myself smaller so others can stand tall. I can be me.

I know what my dreams are now and I am pursuing them. I am studying something that I am passionate about and working towards the life that I want. I am in love.

Most importantly, I am myself. Unreservedly and unapologetically.

And this is what matters most.