relationships

(c) sarahbellestudio.tumblr.com

Recently I have been reminded of how difficult relationships can be.

The truth is, I struggle with intimacy. I struggle to trust and to let people in. It is a hard and uncomfortable place to be, when you open yourself up to the highs and the lows that come with allowing yourself to be honest and vulnerable about who you are, what you want and what hurts you.

The older the get, the more I am learning about myself. The more I see my behaviour and my struggles in the context of things that happened before I was even able to understand them. Sometimes I look at my life, my hang ups, my anxieties and my episodes, and I see that much of what I am going through was probably imprinted in me and determined before I reached the age of nine. Sometimes, when I am honest with myself, I realise that I really am a very broken person. I wonder sometimes at how normal I look from the outside when on the inside I am all shards, broken glass and tears.

There are times when I look at my story and all I see is a classic presentation of attachment anxiety.

(c) pixshark.com

It would be easier, I think, to retreat, withdraw and shut everyone out. But the truth is, I love. I want to trust, to grow in this relationship – I want us to last.

When a relationship is everything that it can be, there is nothing more glorious and beautiful. There is nothing better than looking into someone else’s eyes, seeing that they see you, with all your shit, baggage and triumphs, and knowing they don’t want to look away. There is nothing better than the feeling of lying next to someone and resting in that safe space in time where love feels like it will go on forever.

The truth is, I spend most of my mental space feeling unsafe. In the world of my brain and my heart, nothing lasts forever, no one can be relied on, and I don’t know who to trust. I don’t think I was born this way. I know I was made this way. And now there is very little I can do to fight my instincts.

I still try. Every day is a fight for me now. The triggers seem to be more unpredictable than they ever have been. I don’t know when my sanity will snap from one moment to the next.

But for some reason, I still believe that relationships are worth fighting for. That love is worth the pain.

A classical presentation indeed.